Meant to be me.

So another year is upon us. It feels like I missed the coming of the new year because I was at the casino passing out hats and blowers. I watched as the big screens counted down the final seconds and the guests plugged away at their machines seemingly oblivious to the thousands of brightly colored balloons falling from the ceiling. I could see my friend, Chris, the Players Club Host, on the microphone whooping up the year, smiling and making those around him smile too. I felt numb. I couldn’t believe all those people just sat and pressed a button. All the work that went into creating a memorable celebration, all the hours of prep, the unbelievable amounts of money, ME HAVING TO WORK NEW YEARS, and no one noticed. A few might have swatted away a balloon that fell into their screen view, but that was all the thanks they gave.

A redeeming point to my pointless night was that my BF was right by my side at midnight. He had been there 15 hours straight, but was right there sticking it out with me, because it was what I wanted. After midnight, he could see my disgust with the environment we were in and said, “Even though we are in a corrupt casino right now, there is nowhere else I would rather be than right here by your side.” At that moment, I could feel again. I could hear people’s cheers and laughter and looked around the room to see smiles on guests faces. I thought to myself, “Happy New Year.”


So, today I started thinking about all the possibilities I have awaiting me this year. About what I look forward to accomplishing in 2008. Since one of my “resolutions” is to share more of myself and my feelings, I thought I would share some with all of you (Although, I think Debi is the only one who reads this thing!).

This year I would like to:

1. To reiterate, share more of my feelings and myself with those I care about. I haven’t always been so closed off emotionally. I think that has only happened in the past five years and, perhaps, has grown out of control. For quite some time I have made it a point to never cry. So I may try to let that out more (I can imagine Heidi singing the “its alright to cry” song to me right now…). I also haven’t let anyone into my heart for a long time, and rarely share with those I love how much they really mean. I will make my efforts to change that this year.

2. I would like to start selling my handmade greeting cards. Even just on a small scale. I take such pride in paper crafts and card making and it might be time to share that with the world (for a price of course hehe).

3. Take full control of my health. From regular Doctor appointments, to the dentist (yes, Debi, I said the dentist), to full thyroid control…I think its about time. I am almost 30 and I can no longer be afraid of my own health.

4. Have a drastic change in my career. I love what I do, I just don’t love where I do it. I have few problems with the Casino itself, but my patients has grown very thin for elements within my department. I realize I can put up with a lot of things, but for the past year and a half I have only been torturing myself (and my family - as they are the ones who have to hear about my frustrations). My goal here is to thrust myself into the forefront of my industry in New Mexico within the next 4 months. I mean - get my name everywhere! My brother-in-law, Dan, had me join industry organizations and through that I have gained a lot of encouragement and advice on how to put myself out where NM can see me. What would be a really nice goal is to start my own design firm by the end of the year.

5. Toy around with event planning. I would like to know more about event planning as I really enjoy it and feel I may have a knack for it. I have been looking into a conference that is coming up that has a lot of great seminars. Maybe this could be a new career path??

6. I want to FINALLY clear the clutter from my life. My father has called me “Hector the Collector” from the Shel Silverstien poem of the same name, because I am a hoarder. I think I “collect” all this stuff because I am scared I will lose the memories associated with the objects. A lot of people don’t really understand how hard it is to get rid of something that holds so much meaning. I get their point of view, but I really think it is something psychological that it hurts me to let go. (Could have something to do with fear of abandonment). So, I have thought of 21st century ways to overcome that very difficult obstacle. I have a lot of poems or papers that either I have written or have been written to me. Scan it in, put it on a disc. I could easily fit all those boxes on one DVD. Now the larger items… so I don’t forget about them, or the memories associated, I will take digital pictures of them and put those on a disc too. Maybe even bring my love for scrapbooking into the mix and create a “scrapbook of clutter” and write why each piece is so important to me. Whenever I feel forgetful , I just open the album!!! I really want to clear EVERYTHING away so that I can have a clearer mind and let go of the past. Too much of my thoughts are wrapped around what was, to really move forward, I think I have to let go and make room for what will be.

7. Last but not least, Spend more time with my siblings. I have three siblings and we all live relatively close to one another. However it seems we grow farther apart every year. Like there is some strange “Step” fault-line that keeps shaking the ground and separating the bond we all once had. I think we all feel it, but as our family, unfortunately, sometimes goes - we don’t voice it (We love to use the word, passive-aggressive).
I remember a time when Allison and I were inseparable, or Rebecca and I would hang out in her room and get to the point of laughing so hard it hurt! I would really like this to be the year we re-discover how much we have in common. There will be a lot of walls to break down, in everyone’s court, but it will really be worth it. We became a family 15 years ago yesterday. I would like to make more of an effort to share our everyday lives with each other. To be sisters again. I know Heidi feels the same, and I hope Allison and Becca are up for the challenge as well :)

Hehe. So there is a sampling of what I would like to accomplish this year. Are you still awake?

Oh yeah - so I think I may have the ultimate Zombie escape plan! If they are after me, place a slot machine in their path! I have seen it day in and day out - stops them every time! Maybe zombies will start craving nickels instead of brains….think about it….